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POLLY WANT A CRACKER?
At dawn the telephone rings, 'Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house.'
'Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?'
'Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead'
'My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?'
'Si, Senor, that's the one.'
'Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?'
'From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod.'
'Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?'
'Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse.'
'Dead horse? What dead horse?'
'The thoroughbred, Senor Rod.'
'My prize thoroughbred is dead?'
'Si Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart.'
'Are you insane? ? What water cart?'
'The one we used to put out the fire, Senor.'
'Good Lord!! What fire are you talking about, man??'
'The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire.'
'What the hell?? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?? !!'
'Si, Senor Rod.'
'But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?'
'For the funeral, Senor Rod.'
'WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!'
'Your wife's, Senor Rod', she showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new tailor-made R580 golf club.'
SILENCE . . . . . .. . . LONG SILENCE . . . . . . . .
'Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep shit!!'
Tell me another one ...
He left home around 8:30 to play golf with his friends. On the way out the door, he answered his wife's
"What time will you be home?" question with
"Probably around 1:30 - I'll have lunch at the club."
1:30 came and went, 3:00 passed, 6:15, still not home, finally at about 7:00 pm he rolls in the driveway, leaves his clubs in the garage, and presents his wife with a pizza, and begins the apologetic story.
We finished our game about 11:30, had lunch, and I started home, when alongside the road I saw this attractive girl with a flat tyre on her car. I stopped to help, got the tyre changed, and looked around for a place to wash my hands. She offered money, but I refused, so she suggested that I at least allow her to buy me a beer. She said there's a tavern just up the road, and they have a restroom, you can clean up a bit. I agreed to stop, we had a beer, then another beer, then a couple more, and I realized that this girl was not only pretty, she was very friendly, and a good companion to spend time with. Before I knew it, we were in the motel next door. And that is why I am so late getting home.
His wife looked him right in the eye and said "Don't feed me such crap-- you played 36 holes, didn't you?"
Thanks to Sue Barlow - The Dunes "Chips and Chats"
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Thanks to Anne Cunningham - Berwick Montuna GC
One day a man decided to retire...
He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.
He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.
In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."
"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island.
The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides
and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."
"But, where did you get the tools?"
"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum
of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into
ductile iron I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."
The guy is stunned.
"Let's row over to my place," she says. So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf.
As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a long stone walk leading to an cabin and treehouse.
While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope,
the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually,
"It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please."
"Would you like a drink?"
"No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."
"It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Tropical Spritz?"
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.
After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into
something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."
No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor
made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.
"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?" When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing
but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias.
She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.
"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months.
You must have been lonely. There's something I'm certain you feel like doing right now, something you've
been longing for, right?" She stares into his eyes.
He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes,
"You've built a Golf Course ?"
---- This kind of sensitivity just can't be taught.
The room was full of pregnant women with their partners. The class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly and was telling the men how to give the necessary assurance to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy. She said "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier." Just take several stops and stay on a soft surface like grass or a path. She looked at the men in the room, "and Gentlemen, remember -- You're in this together -- It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information. Then a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand. "Yes?" asked the Instructor. "I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?? |
A POEM In My Hand I Hold A Ball, White And Dimpled, Rather Small. How Benign It Does Appear, This Harmless Looking Little Sphere. By Its Size I Could Not Guess, The Awesome Strength It Does Possess. But Since I Fell Beneath Its Spell, I've Wandered Through The Fires Of Hell. My Life Has Not Been Quite The Same, Since First I Played This Stupid Game. It Rules My Mind For Hours On End, A Fortune It Has Made Me Spend. This wretched Curse Has Made Me Cry, And Hate Myself And Want To Die. It Promises A Thing Called Par, If I Can Hit It Straight And Far. To Master Such A Tiny Ball, Should Not Be Very Hard At All. But My Desires The Ball Refuses, And Does Exactly As It Chooses. It Hooks And Slices, Dribbles, Dies, And Disappears Before My Eyes. It Often Seems to Have A Whim, To Hit A Tree Or Take A Swim. With Miles Of Grass On Which To Land, It Finds A Tiny Patch Of Sand. Then Has Me Offering Up My Soul, If Only It Would Find The Hole. It's Made Me Whimper Like A Pup, And Swear That I Will Give It Up. And Take To Drink To Ease My Sorrow, But The Ball Knows ... I'll Be Back Tomorrow. Stand proud you noble swingers of clubs and losers of balls.... A recent study found the average golfer walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found golfers drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means, on average, golfers get about 41 miles to the gallon. Kind of makes you proud. Almost feel like a hybrid. |
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NEW JOKE!! A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde. |
SOME TIGER JOKES
One:
Apparently, the only person who can beat Tiger Woods with a golf club is his wife
Two:
What's the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a ball 400 yards
Three:
Tiger Woods was injured in a car accident as he pulled out of his driveway early Friday morning. It was Woods' shortest drive since an errant tee shot at the US Open.
Four:
What was Tiger Woods doing out at 2.30 in the morning? He'd gone clubbing
Five:
Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. He couldn’t decide between a wood and an iron
Six:
Perhaps Tiger should be using a driver?
Seven:
This is the first time Tiger’s ever failed to drive 300 yards
Eight:
Apparently, Tiger admitted this crash was the closest shave he’s ever had. So Gillette has dropped his contract.
Nine:
Tiger Woods wasn't seriously injured in the crash. He's still below par though
Ten:
Tiger Woods is so rich that he owns lots of expensive cars. Now he has a hole in one.
Some new golf terms to use when you're out on the course...
A 'Rock Hudson' - a putt that looked straight, but wasn't.
A 'Saddam Hussein' - from one bunker into another.
A 'Yasser Arafat' - butt ugly and in the sand.
A 'John Kennedy Jr.' - didn't quite make it over the water.
A 'Rodney King' - over-clubbed.
An 'O.J.'- got away with one.
A 'Princess Grace' - should have used a driver.
A 'Princess Di' - shouldn't have used the driver.
A 'Condom' - safe, but didn't feel very good.
A 'Brazilian' - shaved the hole.
A 'Rush Limbaugh' - a little to the right.
A 'Nancy Pelosi' - Way to the left and out of bounds.
A 'James Joyce' - a putt that's impossible to read.
A 'Ted Kennedy' - goes in the water and jumps out.
A 'Pee Wee Herman' - too much wrist.
A 'Sonny Bono' - straight into the trees.
A 'Paris Hilton' - a very expensive hole.
GOLF WISDOM - OLD AND NEW
These greens are so fast I have to hold my putter over the ball and hit it with the shadow. -30- |
SPECIAL OFFER!!
Dear Friends and Fellow Golfers,
Many of you may not know it, but I have been very busy over the past 2 years putting my thoughts and ideas together in a book.
I am very proud of the results and to assist with the marketing, I am asking friends and family to help me out.
My belief is you will find this new book on GOLF will give the reader valuable playing tips and insider information that I have gained through my years of struggle and experience. I'm hopeful you find this a useful tool to help you enjoy your game so much more as you enjoy the great outdoors.
The cost is only $9.95 and it can be ordered next week. Don't wait until they're all gone !!!!
Chapter 1 - How to Properly Line Up Your Fourth Putt.
Chapter 2 - How to Hit a Nike from the Rough, when you Hit a Titleist from the tee.
Chapter 3 - How to Avoid the Water When You Lie 8 in a bunker..
Chapter 4 - How to Get More Distance off the Shank.
Chapter 5 - When to Give the Ranger the Finger.
Chapter 6 - Using Your Shadow on the Greens to Maximize Earnings.
Chapter 7 - When to Implement Handicap Management.
Chapter 8 - Proper Excuses for Drinking Beer Before 9:00 a.m.
Chapter 9 - How to Rationalize a 6 Hour Round.
Chapter 10- When Does A Divot become classified as Sod.
Chapter 11 - How to Find That Ball That Everyone Else Saw Go in the water.
Chapter 12 - Why your Spouse Doesn't Care That You Birdied the 5th.
Chapter 13- Using Curse words Creatively to Control Ball Flight.
Chapter 14 - When to Let a Foursome Play through Your Twosome.
Chapter 15 - How to Relax When You Are Hitting five off the Tee.
Chapter 16 - When to Suggest Major Swing Corrections to Your Opponent.
Chapter 17 - God and the Meaning of the Birdie-to-Bogey Three Putt.
Chapter 18 - When to Re-grip Your Ball Retriever.
Chapter 19 - Throwing Your Clubs: An Effective stress-Reduction Technique.
Chapter 20 - Can You Purchase a Better Golf Game?
Chapter 21 - Why Male Golfers Will Pay $5.00 a Beer from the Cart Girl and Give her a $3 Tip, but will balk at $4.50 at the 19th Hole and stiff the Bartender.
Thank you for your interest. A wonderful Christmas present for all your friends.
A. Nonne
How Much Do You Know About Golf???
This is multiple choice. If you select a wrong answer, the ball moves only so far down the fairway and stops and you are charged with one stroke.
Keep selecting the answers that you think are correct and the ball moves down the fairway until you get the right answer and the ball goes in the hole.
If you have the correct answer right away, the ball goes directly in the hole - a hole in one.
To play click here!!!!!
A PICTURE BETTER THAN A THOUSAND WORDS !
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A Spanish Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish unlike English, nouns are designated either masculine or feminine. ‘House’ for instance is feminine: ‘la casa’ ‘Pencil’ however is masculine: ‘el lapiz’ A student asked, “What gender is ‘computer’?” Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female and asked them to decide for themselves whether ‘computer’ should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation. The men’s group decided that ‘computer’ should definitely be of the feminine gender (‘la computadora’) because:
The women’s group however concluded that computer should be masculine (‘el computador’) because:
The women won! |
IMPORTANT RULES CHANGES FOR SENIORS
Rule 1.a.5 A ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and placed on the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or rolled into the rough with no penalty. The senior should not be penalized for tall grass which ground keepers failed to mow. Rule 2.d.6 (b) A ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree. This is simply bad luck and luck has no place in a scientific game. The senior player must estimate the distance the ball would have traveled if it had not hit the tree and play the ball from there. Rule 3.b.3 (g) There shall be no such thing as a lost ball; the missing ball is on or near the course and will eventually be found and pocketed by someone else, making it a stolen ball. The player is not to compound the felony by charging himself or herself with a penalty. Rule 4.c.7 (h) If a putt passes over a hole without dropping, it is deemed to have dropped. The law of gravity supersedes the Rules of Golf. Rule 5. Putts that stop close enough to the cup that they could be blown in, may be blown in. This does not apply to balls more than three inches from the hole. No one wants to make a travesty of the game. Rule 6.a.9 (k) There is no penalty for so-called 'out of bounds.' If penny-pinching golf course owners bought sufficient land, this would not occur. The senior golfer deserves an apology, not a penalty. Rule 7.g.15 (z) There is no penalty for a ball in a water hazard, as golf balls should float. Senior golfers should not be penalized for manufacturers' shortcomings. Rule 8.k.9(s) Advertisements claim that golf scores can be improved by purchasing new golf equipment. Since this is financially impracticable for many senior golfers, one-half stroke per hole may be subtracted for using old equipment. Please advise all your Senior friends of these important rule changes!!!
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